The Tough Work Following Adultery
The hard work after an affair starts with the revelation. Once both partners are aware of the infidelity and the choice is made to stay married, then it is time to dive into the recovery process. In my experience helping couples survive an affair, I have learned there’s virtually no boundaries to the desire to work to salvage the marriage. My job is to help couples divide the work and work smarter.
The partner who had the affair must work on humility. Frequently I call this staying “low.” Humility means there’s never any push back when the betrayed partner makes a request, never any editing when replying to a direct question, and never any exhibiting hostility in response to the betrayed partner’s hostility.
Humbleness can be very hard for the partner who had the affair for several reasons. Firstly, she probably has frustrations she never dealt with that allowed her to excuse or rationalize her affair. She may feel that she isn’t permitted to exhibit her unmet needs in the restoration process and so the process of “stuffing” the emotion may begin all over again, leading to anger and possibly acting out.
The partner who was betrayed has perhaps the hardest task of all in therapy. He must decide to offer forgiveness after infidelity has happened. If recovering couples decide they do not desire treatment, forgiveness may never be addressed or it may be ignored in favor of punishment. In treatment, the marriage counselor helps the betrayed partner release the anger, which leaves room for forgiving if he chooses. The therapist also helps the deceived spouse understand that forgiveness is not for the partner who had the affair; it is for him and his well-being.
Working conscientiously during affair recovery is not enough. Both partners must divide the work and focus their energy on working smart. The result will be happier individuals and a marriage on its way to recovery.
Dr. Kate Walker is a licensed professional counselor in the Woods, Texas. Her article outlining the work during affair recovery guarantees that life after infidelity can ensue.
7 Signs Your Husband Is Cheating
Are you worried that your husband maybe cheating on you? How do you tell if he really is cheating or you are just being paranoid? Here are 7 signs to look for to determine if your man is straying.
1. Keeping His Distance
There are certain things that can signify infidelity on his end. If you normally notice yourselves spending more time apart than together particularly if it’s his choice and not yours it may well be a subconcious way of telling you that he’s into another person. One good example is if there was a show which you would usually watch together and you find that he prefers to spend time infront of his pc rather than being with you.
2. His Friends Act Odd
Loyalty will remain with his friends particularly if they are aware of his cheating ways. You shouldn’t take it personally, it’s just the way guys are. They probably would rather that he didn’t get into trouble with you.
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3. Cell Phone Secrecy
Have you spotted him becoming more secretive when it comes to answering calls on his mobile or does he do so before you in a relaxed way?
Do you think you’d care if it were you speaking to a friend of yours on the phone?
Unlikely right? Could it be that he is chatting to a woman trying to reach him at an inappropriate time?
4. Has he Gotten New Passwords Lately?
You wouldn’t think that a man in a relationship would really have to be too worried whether you read his email messages or have access to his phone. After all, why worry about it if there’s nothing to hide from you? After all, what has he got to hide from you? A sudden change in passwords may be an indicator that something is really up.
5. Looking Good
By now you will likely have a good feeling for your man’s attitude towards exercise and grooming when in a relationship. To be blunt, it is common to let things slide a bit during the relationship for both parties.
If you’ve noticed that he suddenly starts cleaning himself up well each day and really going to the gym, he could be primping for someone. After all, he may have done the same thing before he began going out with you.
6. Half-Hearted Arguments
A common occurance in relationships is fighting. If all of a sudden he begins not really giving a damn each time you find yourselves fighting he may well be unfaithful.
In his mind he may feel that it is useless trying to argue with you if the relationship does not seem to be making any ground.
A Cheater Again
Possibly he’s been unfaithful before. It might not have been on you but you are likely aware of this happening in his previous relationship. Therefore it’s a probability that he may do so once more. He may have been able to convince you that he is a different person who promised he would be faithful but there is always that possibility. If you think he is cheating on you, then take action to figure out if he really is straying. One approach is to simply ask him.
If he says no and you doubt him, you can take further steps such as tracking him or hiring a private investigator to keep an eye on him for a few days. It goes without saying that cheating is the single best way to poison a relationship. If you are concerned about the man in your life, the 7 signs mentioned above are just some of many that can be potentially present in your relationship. If they are, there is a very good chance you have a real problem.
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How To Deal With The Relationship Of Affairs?
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